turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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