i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
