Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
