Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
