I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Even my vagina gasped.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Randomize
