Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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