Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
i need to put some appletini on your dick
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
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