I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
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