He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
If I die, sorry about rent.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
