Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
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