Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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