so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
The beer is more important than you right now.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
