apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
