It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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