i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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