don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
