Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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