Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Randomize
