I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize