life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
