Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm sobbing to NWA
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
