mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
