I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Randomize
