Say something about gay babies.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
