Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
