if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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