We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize