Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
