Pants 0. Shit 1.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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