On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize
