It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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