I'm pants shitting drunk right now
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
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