I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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