I could make wine with my vomit
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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