Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
