I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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