it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
