I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
