I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
