its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
