so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
