and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
