I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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