Your dad touched me again.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
