Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
did i walk over a car last night?
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
