just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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