I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
we should paint friendship bongs
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