You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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