I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
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