Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
