There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
