what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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