me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
