dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Randomize
