I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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