I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
