just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
