dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
