I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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