remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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