I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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