Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
