This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
3 2 1 whiskey
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
