Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
