shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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