this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
