If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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