If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
