theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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