I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
it's great music for shaving your balls
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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