Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
